Monday, March 23, 2009

Disbelief again

It is a weird thing to be in disbelief.
I wonder how that I can be.
It has been seven months at the end of this week.
I should know by now.
It should be undeniably part of me.
It should be etched in my heart forever but for some reason it is not.
There are still moments that I forget.
I am not even sure if "forget" is the right word.
I guess unfathomable is a better word.

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep at 2am, I remembered the nights Roger would meditate before going to sleep and I would curl up next to him as he did.
I am not much of an all-night snuggler but I knew he would not meditate all night either.
He would sit at the head of the bed with his legs crossed.
And I would curl around his legs.
I miss that.
As much as it annoyed me at the time since it was not our regular snuggle position, I miss it.
I miss being annoyed.

Sometimes I hear the house settling near the bonus room and for a split microsecond, I think it is Roger upstairs.
Maybe he is meditating there or Tai Chi or maybe just working out.
Maybe it is the cats. He would let the cats come with him and they would be bouncing around the room.
They love that room.
And I think he loved having them follow him.

Then, like I have wrote about before, the whole getting ready process in the morning just sucks.
This morning I had to get up super early at the same time I did for work.
Yes it is easier without him.
Yes it is more convenient without him.
I no longer have to worry about waking Roger up or anyone for that matter.
Just the cats and they will patiently wait for me to open the door to feed them most of the time unless I start taking way too long.
I no longer have to worry about letting too much light into the bedroom from the bathroom.
I no longer have to grab my underwear and bra from the drawer in the dark and being super quiet.
Not that Roger ever asked these things of me.
Actually he did not care.
He could sleep through it and he needed to get up soon after anyway.
But I was being considerate.
And I miss that.
I miss having to be considerate.

I still feel like one day I am going to come home and he is going to be there.
He is going to be in the garage working on the aquarium stand.
Or he is going to be organizing the garage.
Or maybe he will be inside in his office.
But I am only greeted by the cats.
Which is nice.
They are great cats.

Then I think about the unimaginable.
Dating as a widow.
I can not believe I have to do that whole process again.
To start at square one.
I am in disbelief that I will have to do it all again.
Me.
The person who did it all right.
Me, the person who waited till I was truly ready for marriage.
Me, the person who picked the right person and did so much work to plan the perfect wedding.
Me, the person who worked through our (mostly my) issues and got to the ultimate intimate level with someone.
Me, someone who trusted someone else completely.
Just how did I lose it all?

It is just unbelievable.
Unfathomable.
Unreal.
Un-me.
I still feel the question of "Why me?" dwelling inside me.
And if I just close my eyes hard enough or sleep long enough or go away long enough, he'll be back.

Just completely and utterly at a loss that this is me.
That this is my life.
My cards.

Disbelivable.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

Honey, it's only been 7 months. Of course you still have strong fits/bouts of disbelief. Hell, I still have them after 3 years, 8 months, and 13 days. I don't know that the feelings of disbelief ever totally go away...or at least I know mine don't. I'm forced to believe that this shit experience must be true and real, because I remember the historical facts of his death, his funeral, the grief...but a part of me still never really can believe it. Still wishes it were all a big mistake, a dream that I can still wake up from.

The awful crushing weight, sadness, horror, and despair of the disbelief isn't really there anymore for me...I've become far too inured by it. But the sense of disbelief isn't any less. It just isn't as horrendously awful to bear anymore. I guess I just got used to it.

My guess is that the disbelief will come and go for a long, long time. Hang in there....