Measuring time

Measuring time is something everyone does.

"Two weeks ago"

"Last year"

"Before I was married"

"When I lived in Virginia"

However, I have a new measure.

Not one I am sure I like.

It is kinda disturbing.

But it is "Before the accident".

Or the alternative "After the accident".

I find I do it in counseling.

"I was afraid of disappointment before the accident."

I do it when talking with friends.

"I haven't been to PF Changs since before the accident."

Or.

"After the accident, I lost 30 pounds."

I do it all the time.

It is like a line in the sand.

It is like a wall in between one life and a totally different part of life.

Or even between old life and new life.

The weirder thing is I cannot remember things directly before or after that line or that wall.

It is like the wall is casting a shadow on those parts directly near it.  

Right before the accident, I had a friend at work who was quitting her job.

I saw someone a few days ago that looked like her and I remembered that I never got to say goodbye to her.

Or maybe I did.

I do not remember.  

And there are parts after the accident that I can not recall. 

Like what days people came to see me.  

What day was which unless it has to do with Roger's demise.  

Of course the parts after the accident I do actually remember are forever ingrained in my head.

They will not go away.

But there are so many things I do not remember.

That other people have filled in the gaps for.

I also find that I know exactly how many months or half months it has been since the accident.

Right now, I am currently at seven months and a few days.

And I use that as a comparison measure.

So a friend of mine tells me how she has been dating this guy for eight months, I can quickly correct her and say "No, because you started dating after the accident so it has been less than seven months."

I do not like this new measure.

But it is there.

It is here.

And it does not go away.

Maybe I should just start referring to it as "August."  

That sounds much more pleasant.

And less intimidating.  

Sigh...