Thursday, March 26, 2009

Measuring time

Measuring time is something everyone does.
"Two weeks ago"
"Last year"
"Before I was married"
"When I lived in Virginia"

However, I have a new measure.
Not one I am sure I like.
It is kinda disturbing.
But it is "Before the accident".
Or the alternative "After the accident".

I find I do it in counseling.
"I was afraid of disappointment before the accident."
I do it when talking with friends.
"I haven't been to PF Changs since before the accident."
"After the accident, I lost 30 pounds."
I do it all the time.

It is like a line in the sand.
It is like a wall in between one life and a totally different part of life.
Or even between old life and new life.

The weirder thing is I cannot remember things directly before or after that line or that wall.
It is like the wall is casting a shadow on those parts directly near it.  

Right before the accident, I had a friend at work who was quitting her job.
I saw someone a few days ago that looked like her and I remembered that I never got to say goodbye to her.
Or maybe I did.
I do not remember.  

And there are parts after the accident that I can not recall. 
Like what days people came to see me.  
What day was which unless it has to do with Roger's demise.  

Of course the parts after the accident I do actually remember are forever ingrained in my head.
They will not go away.
But there are so many things I do not remember.
That other people have filled in the gaps for.

I also find that I know exactly how many months or half months it has been since the accident.
Right now, I am currently at seven months and a few days.
And I use that as a comparison measure.
So a friend of mine tells me how she has been dating this guy for eight months, I can quickly correct her and say "No, because you started dating after the accident so it has been less than seven months."

I do not like this new measure.
But it is there.
It is here.
And it does not go away.
Maybe I should just start referring to it as "August."  
That sounds much more pleasant.
And less intimidating.  


1 comment:

Lorelle said...

we dont know eachother. but i think of you and read your blog daily. i'm so sorry for your loss. death sucks. loss sucks.
i think you're an amazing person.
thank you for sharing your story.

all the way from birmingham, al.