Everything I learned about how life worked and what happened in life in the first twenty-seven years of my life are gone.
They died the day Roger died.
Karma? Yeah, that does not exist.
Cars only get T-boned at intersections? Nope, not true.
Miracles will happen to good people? Nope, not true either.
Justice? Yeah, not the way I thought it worked.
So hence, I have become paranoid.
Weird lump on my breast? It is probably cancer.
Gadget is not being social? She is probably dying.
Someone is helping me financially? They probably want money.
Someone is extra nice to me? They probably just feel sorry for me.
The worst part of this is I do not feel I can trust a lot of people. Or even most people.
I observe people from all angles.
I stalk them on facebook, myspace, and in person.
I analyze their emails. I watch them as they talk to me.
I re-read their texts.
I watch them around other people.
Do they treat me the same as them?
It is quite an exhausting chore.
The other thing that is annoying is I feel some people are afraid to be "normal" to me.
They are afraid to make me cry.
They are afraid to hurt my feelings.
So instead they are not real with me.
Maybe they pretend to be my friend.
Or maybe they pretend to be interested in me and my well-being.
Or maybe they make promises they can not keep or do not intend to keep.
All because they are afraid of me.
The worst of the paranoia is with people I think are my good friends.
Or are they my good friends?
Are they sick of me?
Are they really there for me?
Or are they just afraid of me?
Do they get together behind my back and talk about me?
Are they just waiting for the opportunity to show their true feelings?
Did they just insert themselves in the drama and now are bored of it?
For some people, I do believe that is true.
However, it is exhausting to figure out which are real and which are fake.