Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Endorphins laced with grief

I have not been exercising much lately.
I stopped right before Christmas due to the busy holiday schedule with my walking partner.
And I just have not had a chance to work it back in to my daily habit.
With school.
Cold Florida weather.
And just laziness I guess.

Then there was the whole part of not really wanting to do it alone.
I get bored.
It sucks.

Last week I started walking again.
The weather has been perfect.
Plus being on spring break from school, I have more time than I have over the last few months.

I also know exercising is good for me.  I want to lose about ten to fifteen more pounds.
And not only for my physical health, but it is good for feeling low and mental health.
Also since I have been feeling better, I would like to continue this high feeling.
To keep it going as long as possible.  It has been a week now.

The only thing is with this onset of endorphins flowing through my body, it is laced with grief.
Roger and I often walked together.
Especially in the evenings or after dinner.
We walked many of these streets around our new house to see other parts of our neighborhood to get to know our new life a little better.  
We walked to dinner some nights.
Or to the grocery store.  
We would talk a lot of course.
Getting to know each other even better.

We did the same at Roger's old neighborhood.
It is how we dreamed of this house.   
We walked around naming "our" ideal house.
So when we found this floor plan we were super excited.
It was perfect for us. 
It was our house.     

After we moved here, some days, Roger walked alone before I came home from work.
On the days, he worked from home and wanted to get some exercise in knowing either I did not want to exercise or I was already going to the gym.

Now, I walk alone.
And although the endorphins let me smile, I feel a little sad.
I hold my head high.  
But I cannot help but remember those many nights with dear.  
But now I walk alone.  

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

Charley and I started taking "family walks" together after we moved into our familial house in Milwaukie. Ostensibly to check out the neighbor's houses and pat ourselves on the back for being so clever as to buy a great house for a great price, and then eventually when we accepted we lived in a really mixed neighborhood of okay vs. ugly houses (with a few nice ones sprinkled here and there), we relocated our walks to nice neighborhoods, with beautiful, old, historic homes where we could drool and daydream and play pretend (and where, even with a life insurance policy payout, I could still never afford to buy even a shack).

We went on more regular walks once we had Anna...and maybe that's really when we actually started doing them with any consistency. We went on one about 2 weeks before he died (we were out of town on the weekends after that, so no opportunities for Family Walks), and I remember it vividly. It was a great day.

I haven't been on one since. I've driven through the neighborhoods where we once walked and fantasized a few times, and it always twinges. I miss those walks. Sigh.

Right there with ya, babe, in other words.