Wednesday, April 29, 2009


"When do you want your husband to die?"
Hmm, how about never or at least never while I am alive.
I know that is not how the organ transplant people asked me.
They were much more tactful.  Thankfully.
But it might as well been that. 
Same question, different words, same outcome.

How do you pick a day?
And a time of day?
This has to be a joke.
A week prior, I was planning what we would do for our six month wedding anniversary.  

Shortly after (I cannot remember when exactly as the days are jumbled) while I was in the shower, I saw the time.  
It was 28 after some hour.  
Roger's favorite number.  
I am not sure why it was (is?) his favorite number.
He told me once but I cannot recall now.

So... I picked August 28th.
There was nothing else to grasp at.  
Nothing else to try to make a decision with.
No other way to pick a day.
No one should have to make this decision. 

Now every 28th is just a reminder of how a favorite number can go terribly wrong.  
However, yesterday was a bit different in some ways.
And a bit the same in others.

The good news first.
In Florida, teachers have to take a General Knowledge Test to prove the ability to do algebra, geometry, statistics, reading comprehension, and writing skills.
It is suggested to take these exams before the junior year.
And in my case, before I forget all that fun stuff.
Yesterday was the only day available from March through August.  
Yesterday, the effing 28th.

So I studied all day Monday.
I took a zillion practice tests.  
On Tuesday, I showed up at the testing center.
They randomly assign you to a desk and I was assigned to lovely desk #28.
And I did smile. 
How ironic.
Roger's favorite number.
Roger's dead day.
And even if it's psychological whether anything is lucky or not.
And even though it is not my lucky number.
I took it as good luck.
And I passed.
At least all the sections that could be scored immediately.  
I will know about the essay portion in about a month.

The bad news.
The really shitty bad news.
One of the twins born last week passed away yesterday.
Eight months after Roger.
He had some complications and did not survive.
He was only eight days old.
His twin brother is fine.  They are not identical so he did not have the same complication.
He came home today. (More good news but...)
But I just do not get it.
I do not understand.
How unfair.
And it is not like life is easy for this family.
And now this... 
[See post below or click here if you would like to help out the family]

Also I find the 28th of each month has some apprehension for me.
I dread it.
How will I feel?  Will I be sad?  Will I have a bad day?
I try not to do major things that day.
However, my counselor has now suggested I plan a fun event for that day.
Even if it is as simple as seeing a movie or hanging out with a friend.
Just something to look forward to.
Not something to dread.

So on to next month... onto the next 28th.  

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