Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Headaches

Here is where everyone starts to think I am crazy.
Or just weird.
Or maybe all of the above.

I have had not told many people this.
I was/am afraid of people thinking I was/am weird, insane, or crazy.
I wish I would have said these things to Roger online versus in person so I would have "evidence" that this really happened.  And not that I made it up after the fact.
But I do not.
So here it goes...

The week of August 11th or so last year, I was having these headaches.
They were horrible.
They were intense.
They were like mini-migraines.
They were on the left side of my head.  
The same side as most of Roger's injuries.
The crazy thing was they only occurred about a mile from my house as I was entering our neighborhood.  
They would start about half a mile before and last until I got home.  This happened all that week.
It was awful.
It was weird.

I told Roger about them when I got home each day.
I also told him it felt like I was going to be in a car accident.  I felt like that is why I was having those headaches.
I told him it felt crazy to think those thoughts.
Roger told me I should go the other way home.  
But I told him I did not really want to.  
I cannot remember my reasoning why I did not want to.  

A few days later, I was going to the gym in the rain.
A 16 year old girl bumped my car when we suddenly stopped for a police siren and the roads were slick.
She barely tapped me.  I was not even sure if I had been hit till I saw her pull over.
There was no damage to either of our cars but she was a bit shaken up.
She had just learned how to drive a manual car and just was not sure how to stop that quick.
"Don't worry.  We are both fine.  Our cars are fine."
I gave her a hug and we went on our way.

Roger and I agreed that was the "accident" causing the headaches.
And the headaches did go away after that.  

The point is... 
Sometimes I wonder if my brain knew about the real accident that would be occurring the following week.  
Sometimes I wonder if the headaches were a sign.
It sounds crazy.
It sounds insane.
It sounds weird.

But even Einstein thought time was a human invention.
It was a way our heads organizing things.  
I mean, God knows no time.  
Not that I think I am God.
Not even close.
But maybe just maybe somewhere in my subconscious I knew.  
Maybe it was a warning.

Why only when I went home?  I don't know.  
Why me and not Roger?  I don't know.  
Was it real?  I don't know.
But it did happen.
And it was very weird. Very crazy.  Very insane.


Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Eck. I had a lot of omens, but then, I knew Gavin was dying, at least under the surface.

You might enjoy the books, His Dark Materials, which explore parallel universes, life, death, girl heroes, in lush lovely detail.



Crash Course Widow said...

I won't detail all the reasons why (mostly because I'd sound as "crazy" as I just don't remember them all), but as soon as I was told Charley had died I was convinced that I KNEW it was going to happen. And I thought I was going to go completely crazy, need to be locked into a loony bin. Eventually the conviction went away...or else the sadness just overrode the extreme deja vu and foreknowledge that was driving me crazy. I never thought I knew explicitly that he was going to die, per se, on July 12 or anything, but somehow I wasn't surprised it happened. Shocked and devastated, yes, but somehow I had enough little omens that, in hindsight, were just a little too much.

Plus, Anna started screaming her head off the night before Charley died about an hour or two after going to bed--a hysterical, distraught, completely inconsolable crying spell that she'd never had before or ever again...til the night that he died, ironically enough pretty much right at the time Charley was declared dead. I never knew what quite to make of it, except it was one of the damned oddest things I've ever experienced in my life.

So who knows. Maybe we're all crazy. But I'm glad I'll have some good company in the loony bin at least. ;o)

Wendy said...

Just found your blog, am newly widowed and looking for comfort, solace and word of wisdom, anything to get me through.

I posted on a grief blog yesterday, My Dirty Little Secret, I always knew somewhere that my husband would die in a car accident, he would die before both of his parents, I dreamt it and I felt it in my bones.

After posting that, many other widows came out saying that they had had little signs/premonitions along the way.

I think we "know" this on a very deep level to start preparing us for the devastatin that is about to become our lives.

Split-Second Single Father said...

My wife grew very ill a week or two before she died, but not even her doctors believed she would die from her symptoms. We had been through three years' worth of medical issues and never had I admitted how scared I was about any of it until late the night before she died.

I was on the phone with my mom when I finally said that I was really worried about something happening the next day. Thirty minutes later we were one our way to the ER.

Seventeen hours later, she was gone.