Saturday, April 25, 2009


A majority of my friends are married.
A few of them have kids.
And most of them are done with school.  

In looking at my life, I did things a bit backwards.
Life in reverse.
But not in the way that most people use that phrase.
I did not have kids before marriage or anything.
But I did have a high paying job first, then I got married, then I quit my job, then went back to school full-time, and eventually will have a low/lower paying job.  

The other day one of my friends was talking about how she was glad to be in the post college days.
And I just smiled to myself.
I am back in my college days.
I am back to being single and in my college days.
I am unsettled.

Most things in my life are unknown right now as far as the future goes.
As far as my plans go.
I do not know where I will be working in five years.
I do not know if/who I will be dating in five years.
Five years from now is very much up in the air.

I almost feel like the 23/24 year old girl I was when I lived in New York.
I find myself wearing short shorts again and cute skirts.
I feel myself not liking my business casual clothes.
I want to go out.
I want to stay up late.
I am drinking more.

It almost feels like I have time traveled to a different place.
To a different me.

It is almost as if all the work I did to be a settled person was in vain.
All the time, Roger put into making me less commitment phobic is gone.
All of his patience, a waste.

But probably not, because I do still want to be settled again someday.
I do want to be a wife again someday.
But in the mean time, I feel miles away from that girl I knew a year ago.
She is back in the car.
She is upstairs in the jar.  
She is in hibernation.  

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