Tuesday, April 21, 2009

New Adventures

Camper Star

I am a planner by nature.
It is part of my control issues.
It is part of the reason this whole situation is super hard for me.  
I hate losing control over things.
Hate it!!

And Roger and I were good at making plans together as in he let me make plans.
We made plans about the next year, the next five years, and the next ten years.
They were about vacations, home improvements, self improvements, etc.
It was fun.
We would joke when each of us brought up some new cool thing we wanted to do "Is that on the five year plan or next year plan?"

In all that planning, we wanted to do lots of things together.
A new theme/water park opened last year, I really wanted to go.
We wanted to go to Africa.
We wanted to volunteer more.
We wanted to go camping.
We wanted to paint the rooms of the house.
We wanted, we wanted, we wanted.
Loads of dreams.  Loads of dreams together.

And the kind of cool thing is I am doing things.
I am doing things I have not ever done.
I am doing things I have not done in a long time.
And it feels fun.
It feels good.
But I cannot help but feel a little pang in my side.

This past weekend, I went camping.
I have not been since I was in high school.
As in twelve years probably.
It was fun.
I enjoyed myself a lot.
We went canoeing.
We drank beer.
I got to hang out with some people I did not know too well.
It was fabulous.

But...
I found myself in those lovely I-have-to-wear-shoes camp showers thinking "Man, this would have been fun with Roger."
Ugh.

The weekend before I went to the new theme/water park.
It was great too.
I had a blast.
It was a very nontraditional way to spend Easter Sunday but it was great.
My Easter dinner was cookout food.
It was yummy.
And honestly, I cannot remember what we did for Easter last year.
But again, part of me was a bit sad thinking Roger never got to go.

Next on my ever growing list is I am hoping to go tubing down one of our local springs.  
I want to go skydiving again.
I want to go to the beach again.
I want to travel more.
I want to do the floors in the house.

And I know I will do a lot if not all the things we were planning and more.
But I wonder how long the slight pang in my side lasts.
I wonder when I will not think about the things he is missing.  
The things he will never get to do.
And I do not feel guilt about doing these things.
Not at all.
Or at least it does not feel like guilt to me. 
But still how long before it is about me.
Till it is all about living for me. 

But I will not stop living.
I will not let that stupid asshole driver ruin my life anymore than he already has.  
To new adventures!

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

I couldn't say how long the pang in your side will last. All I know is mine is still going strong, at almost 4 days out.

Or maybe, for no real reason at all, today was just a bad day. And I feel the pang more as a result.

I don't think it ever goes totally away, nor necessarily lessens in intensity or painfulness. It may just be more infrequent.

Hugs.