Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sanibel Island

This is one my regrets.  
I had kind of forgot about it until the other day when a blog I follow mentioned she had gone there.
And of course, like other random emotions and memories, thoughts with a tad bit of guilt emerged.
Some guilt that I had already dwelled on a bit before.

Last summer, Roger's mom wanted to go on a family vacation.
And although I was trying to plan it, I just could not find an ideal time, an ideal place, and an ideal price.  
And we put it off.

Like I tell everyone else who comes to me with their guilt regarding some aspect dealing with Roger, we did not know.
No one knew we would be in a serious accident.
No one knew Roger would die.
No one knew the future.

But still... the feelings are there.
I cannot give myself the same hall pass I give to everyone else.
I cannot remember the last time Roger saw his mom.
I think it was May last year before Mother's Day.
I do not think we even went down for Grace's birthday, Roger's, or his mom's.  
It was not uncommon for us to go months with a trip to Miami or for his family not to make a trip up to Orlando.  
It was not common however for us to miss so many birthdays with them.
We thought we had tons of time.
We thought we had years.

I remember Roger coming to me.
Telling me of his mother's wish.
Telling me how much she wanted to have a family vacation with her children and me.
She wanted a beach weekend.
She wanted to go to Naples or Fort Myers or Sanibel Island.
The same place they vacationed as a family when Roger was growing up.

We postponed it.
"Perhaps September when things calm down for us."
"Wait till we have a little bit more money."
Wait wait wait... and yet she did not get what she wanted.
We waited too long.
And part of me blames myself.


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