Wednesday, April 8, 2009


There are some things I did not read in my grief literature.
Somethings I was not prepared for.
Some very important things were left out.  
Some things I have discovered on my own and I have asked other widows I know about but there is not a lot of information on this very important subject.

Simply put it is the lack of sex.
The lack of physical affection.
The lack of kissing.
The lack of holding hands.
The lack of being held and touched.

And when a widow does not get those things for a long period of time, there is a strong desire that starts to well up.  
It starts to take over.
It is really hard to deal with.

Remember that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine does not have sex for a while?
Well, that is happening to me.
The desires are taking over my thinking.

Ugh... Oh well.  
So is life.  
I know this too is normal.


Crash Course Widow said...

A few of my girlfriends thought it was an absolute must that I get a vibrator, almost immediately after Charley died. Like I had any inkling of a sex drive at only 2-3 months after being widowed. Yeah. Right.

So there's always the good ol' Bubba. Never quite the same thing. Or I got a dog. Doesn't satisfy the sex part, but it helps for cuddling at night and companionship (plus I can yell at him and tell him to leave me alone, guilt free, which you can't do with a guy). Or there's always the mostly real deal: honest-to-god sex. It works wonders. ;o) I still preferred the marital sex I had--the emotional intimacy, because it was Charley, it being sanctioned sex, yadda yadda yadda--but I appreciated a sex life even more after being widowed (and especially for not having one for years now...ugh).

Hang in there! That urge is irritating! But there's nothing wrong with giving in to it either. You don't have to be a virginal saint along with being a widowed martyr. ;o)

Mandee said...

I have to agree with Crash Course. I did think about sex for a long time and then it hit me like a ton a bricks. It was all I could think about for months and I only thought that if I did have sex, I would be cheating.

I finally overcame this stepping stone in the life of being a widow and let me tell was much needed. Do what feels right to you but never feel guilty about it. You are woman!
And I too found my sex life to be more appreciative after being a widow.

Stay strong! And know you are in my prayers daily!

Janine (txmomx6) said...

You are so right!!! I never read anything about this, either ... and I'm 15 months out.
Of course, for most of the first year it rarely entered my mind. And now I, too, have friends offering all kinds of "toys" to help, which I find hysterical, and a wee bit scary at the same time.
But not as scary as "the real thing".
Jim and I were each other's first love ..... we saved ourselves for each other and I canNOT imagine having that part of my life with someone else .... just for the sake of relieving some tension. I want someone whom I'd love very much and who will love me just as much.
So yes, I'll either die a dried-up old prune or I will change my mind.
I can't imagine either.
But just wanted you to know .... you struck a chord. Thank you for that.